Thou shalt not bear false witness, False Witness Bear!

Today's Episode: You should not bear false witness, False Witness Bear!

"Your honour, I move that the court remove this witness, as he is clearly bearing false witness and is also a bear."

"You fool!" *removes bear mask* "I am a false bear!"

"I'll going to allow this," said The Judge, "I want to see where it goes."

"But your honour-"

"Sssh" False Bear Witness slid across the table and put a thick claw on The Prosecutors lips. "Sssh, or you'll move various organs within your body and through a complex series of these movements and through the intake and expulsion express sounds to influence the minds and actions of others."

"You mean speak?" The Prosecutor muffled through his partially closed lips.

"Exactly, sweet one. Now sssh" False Bear Witness patted him on the head. "Your honour, I am but a simple bear, who one day ate a child, but that child grew up to be a man and that man became a bear, a false bear, and it is this false bear who now stands before you, this false bear to bear witness, but not falsely, for this false bear is witness to that which is false about this false bear! They say a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, well, I am no man, I am a false bear! And I would that the court hear my case!"

"I'm going to allow this." said The Judge.

"Actually, I've changed my mind, I don't want the court to hear, I want them to see, I demand trial by combat!"

"What?!" The Prosecutor sputtered. "That's literally insane! This is a court of law, not some...gladiatorial combat arena, this isn't-

"Bring in the gladiator weapons." The Judge waved his hands.

"What?!"

"Ah," said False Bear, holding up a net and a trident, "This takes me back to my old days as retiarius, back before I was bit by the radioactive bear that turned me from a normal, time displaced ancient Roman into a thrice damned false bear witness."

"But you're clearly just a man in a bear suit! And also didn't you allege that you were a bear who ate a child who became a man who, I don't know, fused with the bear and become a false bear or something?"

"Your honour, this man is bearing false witness against me, False Bear Witness, I demand this trial by combat now be to the death."

The Judge looked down.
"I'm going to allow this."

"What?!" The Prosecutor ejaculated.

"Hehe, the author wrote a dirty word." said False Bear

"It's only dirty if your mind works that way," said The Judge, suppressing a giggle.

"What author, what word? What the hell are you two on about? Also, why hasn't the jury said anything about this?" The Prosecutor pointed at the court that had now been fully turned into a coliseum.

The jurors put their heads together and started talking in hushed whispers. After a few moments they reached a conclusion and separated. Hesitantly, one of the jurors put his hand up.

"Erm, this is the first court case any of us have been to...aren't they all like this?"

"What?! No! Of course not, what the hell is wrong with you people!"

"No more outbursts like that from the prosecution or I'll hold you in contempt of court." sighed the Judge, who had put his feet up and was lazily flicking through a comic book.

"This is madness!"

"Madness?" repeated False Bear, "This! IS! AN OVERDONE MEME!" And kicked the prosecutor down a bottomless pit.

"I find the defendant not guilty by means of his ability to kick people to their death." The Judge leaned over and looked down the bottomless pit. "Well, eventual death anyway. Case dismissed."

And so it was False Bear Witness, who did bear false witness, got away scot-free and free of Scott, which was the name of the prison inmate with an insatiable lust for bear butt and who would have raped False Bear, right through the suit, had he but got his hands on his butt in prison.

Next weeks episode: Terence gets prescription medication for his now obvious and growing insanity. He find them to be particularly moreish.