In a fevered dream I saw myself hurled through time at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, I couldn't remember the words to my favourite song, so I hummed the melody but alas, I was out of key. A dog was there, who did not bark but instead yodelled, searchingly, longingly, as though it would help; it did not. Eventually I came upon a wizened old woman who, in place of her eyes, had liquorice allsorts, she enquired as to my wants and I told her I only wanted respite from a world gone sane, she offered only clichés and crumpets for an answer. Then she got on a motorcycle and flew downwards into the ground, I decided not to eat the crumpet she had given me. From where I had thrown the crumpet down, there erupted a mechanical dragon who berated me for littering and who then exploded, knocking me out. When I came to, I found that my legs had ran away whilst I had been asleep. Luckily, there was a spare set in my trunk and so, with my new legs attached, I set off once again. A passing cloud shouted an insult at me, I jumped up and punched him in his cloud face and was then arrested by the cloud police. A cumulus was brought in to defend me but as the afternoon wore on, he began to precipitate which spoilt all his notes for the defence and so I shot the judge and ran out the court doors, which was stupid, because I was in sky-court and fell. As I was about to hit the ground, I remembered I could fly, so I did. But then I remembered that I couldn't, so I began to fall again. Fortunately, a passing pterodactyl took pity on me, caught me and put me down on the ground softly, I thanked him and asked him what he would like as a reward, to which replied "crumpet please". I was forlorn, as I had no crumpet to give and had foolishly thrown the one I had had away earlier on. By happenstance however, we had landed in the area where I had thrown it away and it was still there on the ground. I picked it up, brushed off most the dirt and gave it to the pterosaur. He thanked me most profusely, explaining that ground crumpet was his favourite kind of food in the whole, wide world. Then the yodelling dog reappeared, as did the wizened old lady, my old legs, the cumulus solicitor and the judge I'd shot (he was only a cloud, bullets can't harm clouds) and even the mechanical dragon was there as well, and they all began to murmur my favourite song out of key, as they too did not fully know the lyrics and everyone lived happily ever after....
...except for the insulting cloud who I punched, because he was a dick, who would later die of being an arsehole.
Sunday 31 August 2014
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Thou shalt not bear false witness, False Witness Bear!
Today's Episode: You should not bear false witness, False Witness Bear!
"Your honour, I move that the court remove this witness, as he is clearly bearing false witness and is also a bear."
"You fool!" *removes bear mask* "I am a false bear!"
"I'll going to allow this," said The Judge, "I want to see where it goes."
"But your honour-"
"Sssh" False Bear Witness slid across the table and put a thick claw on The Prosecutors lips. "Sssh, or you'll move various organs within your body and through a complex series of these movements and through the intake and expulsion express sounds to influence the minds and actions of others."
"You mean speak?" The Prosecutor muffled through his partially closed lips.
"Exactly, sweet one. Now sssh" False Bear Witness patted him on the head. "Your honour, I am but a simple bear, who one day ate a child, but that child grew up to be a man and that man became a bear, a false bear, and it is this false bear who now stands before you, this false bear to bear witness, but not falsely, for this false bear is witness to that which is false about this false bear! They say a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, well, I am no man, I am a false bear! And I would that the court hear my case!"
"I'm going to allow this." said The Judge.
"Actually, I've changed my mind, I don't want the court to hear, I want them to see, I demand trial by combat!"
"What?!" The Prosecutor sputtered. "That's literally insane! This is a court of law, not some...gladiatorial combat arena, this isn't-
"Bring in the gladiator weapons." The Judge waved his hands.
"What?!"
"Ah," said False Bear, holding up a net and a trident, "This takes me back to my old days as retiarius, back before I was bit by the radioactive bear that turned me from a normal, time displaced ancient Roman into a thrice damned false bear witness."
"But you're clearly just a man in a bear suit! And also didn't you allege that you were a bear who ate a child who became a man who, I don't know, fused with the bear and become a false bear or something?"
"Your honour, this man is bearing false witness against me, False Bear Witness, I demand this trial by combat now be to the death."
The Judge looked down.
"I'm going to allow this."
"What?!" The Prosecutor ejaculated.
"Hehe, the author wrote a dirty word." said False Bear
"It's only dirty if your mind works that way," said The Judge, suppressing a giggle.
"What author, what word? What the hell are you two on about? Also, why hasn't the jury said anything about this?" The Prosecutor pointed at the court that had now been fully turned into a coliseum.
The jurors put their heads together and started talking in hushed whispers. After a few moments they reached a conclusion and separated. Hesitantly, one of the jurors put his hand up.
"Erm, this is the first court case any of us have been to...aren't they all like this?"
"What?! No! Of course not, what the hell is wrong with you people!"
"No more outbursts like that from the prosecution or I'll hold you in contempt of court." sighed the Judge, who had put his feet up and was lazily flicking through a comic book.
"This is madness!"
"Madness?" repeated False Bear, "This! IS! AN OVERDONE MEME!" And kicked the prosecutor down a bottomless pit.
"I find the defendant not guilty by means of his ability to kick people to their death." The Judge leaned over and looked down the bottomless pit. "Well, eventual death anyway. Case dismissed."
And so it was False Bear Witness, who did bear false witness, got away scot-free and free of Scott, which was the name of the prison inmate with an insatiable lust for bear butt and who would have raped False Bear, right through the suit, had he but got his hands on his butt in prison.
Next weeks episode: Terence gets prescription medication for his now obvious and growing insanity. He find them to be particularly moreish.
"Your honour, I move that the court remove this witness, as he is clearly bearing false witness and is also a bear."
"You fool!" *removes bear mask* "I am a false bear!"
"I'll going to allow this," said The Judge, "I want to see where it goes."
"But your honour-"
"Sssh" False Bear Witness slid across the table and put a thick claw on The Prosecutors lips. "Sssh, or you'll move various organs within your body and through a complex series of these movements and through the intake and expulsion express sounds to influence the minds and actions of others."
"You mean speak?" The Prosecutor muffled through his partially closed lips.
"Exactly, sweet one. Now sssh" False Bear Witness patted him on the head. "Your honour, I am but a simple bear, who one day ate a child, but that child grew up to be a man and that man became a bear, a false bear, and it is this false bear who now stands before you, this false bear to bear witness, but not falsely, for this false bear is witness to that which is false about this false bear! They say a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, well, I am no man, I am a false bear! And I would that the court hear my case!"
"I'm going to allow this." said The Judge.
"Actually, I've changed my mind, I don't want the court to hear, I want them to see, I demand trial by combat!"
"What?!" The Prosecutor sputtered. "That's literally insane! This is a court of law, not some...gladiatorial combat arena, this isn't-
"Bring in the gladiator weapons." The Judge waved his hands.
"What?!"
"Ah," said False Bear, holding up a net and a trident, "This takes me back to my old days as retiarius, back before I was bit by the radioactive bear that turned me from a normal, time displaced ancient Roman into a thrice damned false bear witness."
"But you're clearly just a man in a bear suit! And also didn't you allege that you were a bear who ate a child who became a man who, I don't know, fused with the bear and become a false bear or something?"
"Your honour, this man is bearing false witness against me, False Bear Witness, I demand this trial by combat now be to the death."
The Judge looked down.
"I'm going to allow this."
"What?!" The Prosecutor ejaculated.
"Hehe, the author wrote a dirty word." said False Bear
"It's only dirty if your mind works that way," said The Judge, suppressing a giggle.
"What author, what word? What the hell are you two on about? Also, why hasn't the jury said anything about this?" The Prosecutor pointed at the court that had now been fully turned into a coliseum.
The jurors put their heads together and started talking in hushed whispers. After a few moments they reached a conclusion and separated. Hesitantly, one of the jurors put his hand up.
"Erm, this is the first court case any of us have been to...aren't they all like this?"
"What?! No! Of course not, what the hell is wrong with you people!"
"No more outbursts like that from the prosecution or I'll hold you in contempt of court." sighed the Judge, who had put his feet up and was lazily flicking through a comic book.
"This is madness!"
"Madness?" repeated False Bear, "This! IS! AN OVERDONE MEME!" And kicked the prosecutor down a bottomless pit.
"I find the defendant not guilty by means of his ability to kick people to their death." The Judge leaned over and looked down the bottomless pit. "Well, eventual death anyway. Case dismissed."
And so it was False Bear Witness, who did bear false witness, got away scot-free and free of Scott, which was the name of the prison inmate with an insatiable lust for bear butt and who would have raped False Bear, right through the suit, had he but got his hands on his butt in prison.
Next weeks episode: Terence gets prescription medication for his now obvious and growing insanity. He find them to be particularly moreish.
Thursday 7 August 2014
A short poem about becoming (or rather not becoming) a vegan
For 10 million dollars,
I do not think I can,
Be a Vegan,
Give up my ham,
My eggs, meat and spam,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, I do not think I can.
For 10 million dollars,
I could not recant,
And eat only plant,
That's not my stance,
To eat only plants,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, I think not a chance.
For 10 million dollars,
So much I'd do,
Oh it is true,
Except poop green poo,
When I go the loo,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, that I'd rather not do.
Context: I wrote this, very quickly, as a response to the question "For 10 million dollars would you become a vegan" which was posed on an internet forum I frequent.
I do not think I can,
Be a Vegan,
Give up my ham,
My eggs, meat and spam,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, I do not think I can.
For 10 million dollars,
I could not recant,
And eat only plant,
That's not my stance,
To eat only plants,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, I think not a chance.
For 10 million dollars,
So much I'd do,
Oh it is true,
Except poop green poo,
When I go the loo,
For 10 million dollars,
No, sir, that I'd rather not do.
Context: I wrote this, very quickly, as a response to the question "For 10 million dollars would you become a vegan" which was posed on an internet forum I frequent.
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